March 16th, 2002 - 2:21 a.m.

this is happening again.

feel as if whole world has picked up its skirts and tip toed off without as much as a simple note of its intentions. of course, this is simply my paranoia over-voicing its droning message; it is all in my head.

no, it is i who does not wish to be in the company of others.

no, that is a lie too. i crave human companionship. it just seems that no matter what comes out of other people's mouthes, i cannot bear to listen to it. it is painful to listen to the conversation of others. and i find myself talking to an audience that does not exist in the present. and somehow, this is outrageously comforting.

oy. if i were someone else, i would not wish to be aquainted with me for all my moods and general malaise. i would think that time spent in my company would induce one to vomit from the melancholy direction that the dialogue would take. (this is not universally true. it is the moment speaking.) it is not that i have a lack of self esteem, it is just that i would find myself to be quite depressing and lost. and i wonder what it is that makes people enjoy my society (if they do at all). my jokes lack an all encompassing punch; in fact, when i do jest, it is often taken seriously, and visa versa. mind you, this is not self pity nor self loathing. i know for one, m. shall mistake it for that, but then again, m.'s mistaken truthes never fail to stupify me. (m. is right about one thing however, i admit it: i am a fraud.)

perhaps it is just that i am in the most wicked of moods. feel like seperating vertebrae with sharp kitchen knife. tightness in the chest. general ache in the spine. nausea. complain, complain, complain. mr. b. w. would have to say: would you like some cheese with that whine?

i need more medication.

n.

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