March 7th, 2002 - 12:15 a.m.

nervousness, and an ode to r.

i have not much to report.

i need a system for the calculation of perfection.

nervous. eyes darting. tapping of fingers. listening to fat boy slim, the beat stuck, bouncing like a ping pong ball on speed in my head. (they know what is what, but they don't know what is what, they just strut, what the fuck.) need to secure a flat. hate this feeling of inbetween. makes one sick to the stomach. do not like not being certain. not comfortable.

feel like am being abandoned. this feeling will pass. need to calm down. need to ignore it.

will try my best not to vomit. this feeling of general unease rolling over my tongue. not uneasieness due to boredom, but due to uncertainty.

consumed a most satisfying dinner with r. tonight. roasted potatoes (under salted), brussel sprouts and cheddar mixed bean salad with a balsamic vingarette. i shall miss le petit. still must tell linda and christain that i am leaving.

but shall miss r. more. the mayhem, mostly. without her, i fear my life shall grow tepid and dull. there will be no one to ridicule my vocabulary, manner of dress, and enunciation of t's. no one to show me how much of life is bull shit, and that i am just as human as everyone else. i am glad she aquainted me with a glimpse of the dark drama of society's underbelly (really, i tried coming up with a better term, articulation of my intention does not seem to be a forte at this moment). though i know i have seen nothing yet, and never really will, i would not have even realized such things existed (the humour behind b.j. supermarket comes to mind, and of course, her fantastic ability to pronounce the words "honeyed ham"), my grasp of reality as weak as it is.

so, in short, thank you r. i am sappy and sentimental when i have to leave people i love, because it happens so rarely. i shall look forward to your visits.

n.

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