March 5th, 2002 - 2:36 a.m.

random thoughts of a semi-jovial mood

i will live forever. i will never die. you cannot stop me. there is no way.

i am happy. i think i might just kill myself tomorrow. life is fucken fantastic. there is no rhyme or reason. logic does not dwell within human behaviour.

liebst du mich? i need to know. i need to know now. before it is too late. ich waite. i do not give a damn.

i do not care for this.

tapping my foot off tempo with the music. it moves me. helps propel time forward.

maybe i have imagined all of this. this is not real. i am not actually here. i am over there.

i can only pray all is well. failing that, i will hope. failing that, i will be upset and think about tearing out inards with bare hands. and then, given time, i will forget that i felt like this.

disjointed. i will never be a part of your tribe.

there has to be more to life then this. but i will never find it. and when i will do, i am sure to lose it.

i am in love with the world. and i am waiting to be called back. "this is called the waiting game." i leave messages. still nothing. i scream on roof tops: i love you. all of you. but no one hears me. and someone accidently steps on my foot without apology, nor a glance of acknowledgement. (the above scene did not actually happen, it is merely my ideal of romance. if this happened, i would probably cry for days.)

i now dedicate myself to becoming a true sybarite. i will dance. i will drink. i will smoke. i will relax. i will give myself in. i will dream. i will seduce. i will lack responsibility. i will feel. i will laugh. i will enjoy. and then, i will die.

sometimes i wonder what i am doing here. then, i remember that i do not care. because if i did, i would drown.

the future will never come.

n.

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