March 8th, 2002 - 1:29 p.m.

life is so strange, destination unknown

the grandeur of youth. i had forgotten about that. i had forgotten that i am still young, and therefore have licence to be irresponsible. i am immortal. i am young. i am gorgeous. if only i could hang on to this feeling. nope, off it goes. (if the feeling were a physical being, it would wobble off into the horizon, and fall off the edge, monty python style.)

meine mutter is frantic. she feels that a house pet cannot fend for self. moo to her i say. moo. i have no other responce. just, moo. after all, she is the one who birthed me, only to tell me it was an accident. danke schon maman. your lack of motherly instinct is most comforting. really, the two hour daily phone calls detailing your worry are a bit much.

mind you, this is not bitterness. i just wish les parents would leave me be. really, i am my own person, my decisions are just that, mine. i seek not judgement, and have no desire to judge them for the things that they have done. if you have nothing nice to say, please, say nothing at all.

mein vater claims this is all my fault, as per the standard in these dealings. s. stated very clearly that it is he who is leaving me, and not the other way around, however, common sense does not dwell within papa's head; common sense went on strike some time ago due to a car with sand mysteriously appearing in its engine and a blackened eye. the jury is still out deciding whom is the guilty party.

of course, a. just wants the dvd player. such a clever child.

i just want a sense of certainty. solid ground. concrete truth. still have not found (all too important) flat. i have till april 1st. uncertainty makes me uneasy. makes me fidget. makes me sleep more. gives me an upset stomach. this hollow feeling in the chest. which makes me faint with the frequency of a victorian lady, but with no gentleman to loosen my corset strings. (laughing at my own silly joke.)

sigh. and another drop of blood is wasted.

i hate waiting.

n.

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