March 24th, 2002 - 6:29 p.m.

fragility, creature comforts, and detachment

it amuses me how fragile i really am. have been informed of this several times already, and each time i resented it and lashed out in an intense awe striking tirade. (if not only in my head.)

but i have come to accept it, along with the realization that i am just a really well composed fraud. i suppose it is a symptom of getting older (insert laughter here), and a growing comfort with myself. or just a general laziness in molding myself into whatever image i had of self.

i am fragile. it comes with being paranoid; very easily insulted. my panic attacks and general fainting (like some type of cliched damsel in distress). though my physical strength has not deminished much over time: this shall aid in my resolve to begin exercise again. my kung fu styles.

it also amuses me that i am a product of my society, but yet so detached from it*. (*more on this later.) i could not survive without it. i could not hunt for food. i would not gather. the nitty grittiness of a life out of any major city. mud on the shoes. gathering of firewood. sigh, i need my creature comforts.

creature comforts (or simply things that make me sigh with contentment):
-acqua di parma or eau d'orange verte
-over-priced chocolates (though consistantly missing a distinctive bouquet, oh bernachon, move to canada!)
-aveda products
-hermes scarves, particularly the pleated ones
-white stockings
-hats
-tiffany's sterling silver(which i will miss soon anyways, since i am moving away from the store to a city without one. sigh.)
-harry rosen's (my love affair with men's clothing, which reminds me, i think i need a new person to shop for. i need an excuse to be in harry's)
-computers, this feeling of being connected yet disconnected (the internet, and adobe illustrator)
-regulated room temperature
-poetry
-japanese paper
-george orwell
-costume national shoes
-humourous brand touting (gucci! dior! chanel!)
-ikea (yes, i am a slave to proletarian swedish furniture)
-the subway, transit on a track
-burts bees hand salve
-white chrysanthemums out of season
-traditional shaving brushes and soap
-handmade sandelwood soap
-mokuba ribbons
-music to match the mood
-shakespeare
-art books (bosch! durer! klee!)
-diamonds and baroque pearls
-letters

that is one of the most disjointed lists i have ever made; however, the basic direction is there

*i have stated my sense of detachment from people for some time now. and it has been said to me by several individuals that i am not disconnected, i merely wish to be so. my opinion remains firm that i do not have a tribe. i have never felt a common thread, nor a sense of connectedness. perhaps i shall change on this later, as i have on my fragility. but of course, i say now with a strong voice: i will never change.

n.

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